Stupid Salespeople

Customer: “What does ‘dual-core’ mean?”

Salesman: “It basically means you have two computers in one. It also means you can plug your laptop into it.”

Stupid Family Members

My family gave my grandmother a laptop, and we were teaching her how to use it when she asked how to send an email to her sister in England. They had been sending postal mail to each other for decades, and she had heard that this “Er-Mail” thing was easier.

I pointed to the Outlook Express icon, and told her to put the mouse there. She picked up the computer mouse and placed it on the screen.

It was a long day.

Stupid Customers

We sell routers, some of them equipped with built-in wireless access points.

Customer: “YOUR CRAPPY ACCESS POINT IS A WORTHLESS ****! I CAN’T BELIEVE I BOUGHT IT! I WANT MY MONEY BACK!”

Tech Support: “What seems to be the trouble?”

Customer: “I CAN HARDLY CONNECT TO IT WITH MY LAPTOP! EVEN IF I STAND RIGHT NEXT TO YOUR **** MY LAPTOP STILL SAYS CONNECTION QUALITY BAD. HOW CAN YOU SELL THIS CRAP?”

After about 15 minutes of ranting and trouble hunting, we finally concluded that:

The customer bought the entry-level model of our router.

That model does not have any built-in access point.

When the customer activated his laptop’s wireless client, it did, however, still manage to connect to an access point.

The access point his laptop connected to was found out to be his neighbor’s wireless access point.

His neighbor’s house was a good distance from his, hence the low connection quality.

Even though he bought a router from us and an Internet connection from a provider, he didn’t actually use them.

We doubted his neighbor would appreciate this, if he found out.

And the customer’s reaction to this news?

Customer: “BUT HOW CAN YOU ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN! I THOUGHT YOU HAD A FIREWALL IN YOUR CRAP! IT SHOULD HAVE STOPPED MY LAPTOP FROM DOING IT!”

Stupid Customers

Investment bankers usually do quite a bit of work from home and outside normal hours, so the majority of calls we took were nightmarish dial-up issues. My personal favorite was when one older gentleman called because he was unable to dial-in to the network. I made several attempts to walk him through some simple instructions to no avail. Each time he would botch the password or just not listen to me and then power the notebook off without shutting down. I warned him not to do that, because he could corrupt the OS or cause a hardware failure, then tried again. Yet again, he botched the password, instead of re-entering it, he shut off the notebook again. Then he said, “Damn it! Now look what you have done to my laptop. It won’t even power up!” The person I was training over the phone was laughing so hard while I was on mute that he was crying.