Stupid Drivers

(I am a claims adjuster talking to a driver involved in a car accident. I am asking him questions to hear his side of the story of what happened.)

Me: “So there are 3 lanes on this highway? Were you in the left, middle, or right lane?”

Driver: “The right lane.”

(The police report indicates differently.)

Me: “Are you sure you were in the right lane?”

Driver: *thinking* “No, no, I was in the LEFT lane! You see, I’m left-handed, so everything is reversed for me.”

Stupid CoWorkers

CoWorkers #1: So she was driving me so batshit crazy with her dumbass questions that I wanted to punch her right in her stupid face. But then I thought that anyone who’s that chronically stupid must already have a really difficult life. So my good deed for the day was to just punch her in my imagination.

CoWorkers #2: You truly are a prince among men.

CoWorkers #1: I know, right? Most people don’t get that about me.

Stupid Things Overheard

Boss: What time did this get here this morning?

Employee: Jesus!

Boss: Uh… What time is the exterminator going to be here tonight, and are you staying?

Employee: Jesus!

Boss: Why are you answering all my questions with “Jesus”?

Employee: A woman on the train this morning was holding a sign that said “Jesus is the only answer.” I thought I’d try to prove that. From your response, I’m assuming that isn’t true.

Stupid Customers

Me: “Thank you for calling . How can I help you?”

Caller: “Have you seen District 9?”

Me: “Yes, I have. Do have questions about it?”

Caller: “Is this some sort of Australian joke?”

Me: “I beg your pardon?”

Caller: “All this movie has been is interviews with government people and aliens wearing brassieres! Am I watching some weird special feature or is this some kind of Australian joke?”

Me: “Well, the movie is in a documentary style and that definitely sounds like the beginning of the movie. If you want, you can come down to the store and exchange it for no charge.”

Caller: “Thank you very much. Those Australians have a weird sense of humor, man. I should know…I used to be married to a Brit and they’re strange, too!”

Me: “All right, sir you have a good night.”

Caller: “OK. I will put in a decent movie now which is not an Australian joke.”