User: “I’ve just unplugged my monitor from the wall in order to clean it without getting shocked. How do I plug it back in?”
I had about ten different responses flash through my mind, but as this guy was fairly high up on the food chain of management, I had to control myself. I said, “Align the pins with the hole, and push it into the socket.” Satisfied, the user hung up.
I work for a small company – I mean really small. Basically it is the Owner, The Office Manager, and me, the Graphic Designer. When I took the job I was not aware that the Office Manager and the owner where dating. The Owner is never around and she acts like she is my boss – or “my boss through injection” as I like to call it. This would be fine if she was not such a total pain! Firstly, she makes edits to my work that the customer did not even request, just so that she can exercise her control-freak nature. Secondly, she is running the business into the ground…
(A guy comes in looking a bit haggard.)
Me: “Hi sir! Can I help you find something?”
Customer: “Let’s move to the back of the store.”
(He takes my arm and we walk to one of the last shelves of the store.)
Customer: “I need a book on immortality.”
Me: “All right – we’ve got science fiction over here…”
Customer: “No, I need to research immortality. I’m immortal. See this scar on my neck? A guy cut me a couple days ago and it’s almost healed. I’m immortal.”
(I stare at the large cut on his neck that is laced together with stitches).
Me: “Um, I’m not sure if we have any books like that.”
Customer: “Well, can you buy me a sword from the store next door?”
Me: “I’m sorry, I’m not allowed to do that.”
Customer: “I promise I’ll pay you back. I’ll give you my ID so you can track me down later and everything. I need a sword.”
Me: “Really, I could get fired for that.”
(The customer looks up and then starts sniffing the air.)
Customer: “They’re coming. I have to go!” *runs out of the store*
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Divorced Dating at DivorcedDater.com for men and women recently divorced.
Copywriter to purchasing manager: Why don’t you celebrate birthdays?
Purchasing manager: I hate birthdays.
Copywriter: But that’s how you celebrate life.
Purchasing manager: It’s not the only way to celebrate life.
Copywriter: Well, how do you celebrate life?
Purchasing manager, emphasizing through gesture: Masturbate.