Stupid Criminals

After a night of drinking and apparently an auto accident, Michael DeWitt just wanted a bed and somewhere to park his SUV.

So he drove out past the intersection of U.S. 24 and Interstate 69, turned onto Ellison Road and headed toward the hotels in the area.

He parked the Hummer H3 just after 1:30 a.m. Thursday and got out to look at the passenger side. He was sure somebody had pulled out in front of him. A woman in the sport utility vehicle crawled across the console and clambered out the driver’s side door.

A concerned onlooker asked DeWitt whether he needed any help.

He declined, saying he was going around front to get a room.

And a room he received. Well, kind of.

DeWitt had pulled not into a hotel lot, but a restricted parking lot behind the Indiana State Police post, just moments after police believe he was involved in a hit-and-run crash.

DeWitt landed in the Allen County Jail on Thursday, with a blood-alcohol level more than twice the legal limit, police said.

Dispatchers saw him drive the banged-up Hummer, leaking fluids, past two “Restricted” signs, into the back parking lot of the state police post. Thinking it may have been an undercover officer, Trooper Jami Hotchkiss asked DeWitt what happened. He said “somebody hit me and took off,” police said.

About that time, Fort Wayne police took a call of a hit-skip crash at U.S. 24 and Interstate  69, just a block away from the state police post.

When officers questioned DeWitt – with his bloodshot eyes, unsteady balance and slurred speech – he told them he had had too much vodka to drink.

He told police he didn’t know what happened but knew he was driving and someone pulled out in front of him.

Police pointed out that the Holiday Inn Express is directly next door to the post.

“Although the Indiana State Police Post is not Motel 6, we will still leave the light on for you,” state police spokesman Sgt. Rodger Popplewell said.

DeWitt is charged with misdemeanor counts of driving while intoxicated and leaving the scene of an accident that damaged property. The woman in the Hummer was not charged.

Stupid CoWorkers

“There’s this person, whom I’ll call X. X is bubbly, has no discipline, self-respect, or respect for our (hers or mine) superiors. Except, of course, when she’s busy ass-kissing. Anyway. So we’re (we = about 20 people) all watching a movie when X’s boyfriend, for like the 10th time, turns around in his chair and makes kissy noises at me. How dumb is that. So anyway, because of his position his chair is on two legs. Whoops..I kick the chair out from under him. He lands on X. X gets pissed at me, apparently not recognising (although I guess her bias is understandable) that her boyfriend is just as much a rambunctious schmuck as I. She proceeds to go nuclear and gets in my face, I mean like four inches distance. Then she starts with the finger stabbing. I don’t feel like getting smacked today so I grab her arms by the wrists and keep them at her sides, at which point she almost breaks into tears and announces I’ve broken her wrist. Then she leaves. Comes back with a nonstandard can of Coke (pre-shaken) and explodes it all over me.

The sum of X’s boyfriend’s reaction was “Dude, you hurt her, not cool.” – and then he went back to the movie.

What makes it worse? I am surrounded by Xs to varying degrees. There are four non-Xs out of the 20-40 people I work with here (# varies because of different taskings and timinngs). And there is only one non-X whose mind is completely stable.”

Stupid Things Overheard

Buddy #1: Did you see Forest Whitaker’s speech at the Golden Globes? He won Best Actor. I’m almost positive he was on crystal meth. He was, like, stuttering and his eyes were tearing up.

Buddy #2: Maybe he was emotional ’cause he won the award.

Buddy #1: [Long, reflective pause] Yeah… Maybe that, too.

Stupid Customers

The place I work for charges about $100/issue for tech support.

Tech Support: “So what can I do for you?”

Customer: “I’m trying to run Live Update with Norton, and it came up to a screen with a list of updates, and it says ‘Next.’ What do I do?”

Tech Support: “Did you hit ‘Next’?”

Customer: “Oh, it’s working now.”

Tech Support: “Anything else I can do for you?”

Customer: “No, that’s it, thanks.”