Stupid Customer

(at a buffet-style restaurant where customers line up for the food.)

Manager: “Can you go refill the napkins? We’re all out.”

Me: “Sure.”

(I walk over to the line wearing my work uniform and my ID card prominently displayed.)

Me: “Excuse me, I just need to refill the napkins.”

Customer: “No problem.”

Customer #2: “Why the f*** does everyone keep cutting the line?”

Me: “Sir, I work here. I am just refilling the napkins.”

Customer #2: “Well, that is no excuse! If you work here, you should know to wait your turn!”

Stupid Customer

Me: “Hello, what can I do for you?”

Customer: “I want to take out a loan.”

Me: “I am sorry, what do you mean?”

Customer: “I want to take out a big loan so I can play and maybe buy a car.”

Me: “This isn’t a bank, sir. This is a casino. We don’t do that.”

Customer: “This can’t be. I know your company has loads of money. I want to borrow some. I will pay the tax or whatever.”

Me: “Sir, we don’t do loans. This isn’t a bank.”

Customer: “This is bulls***! Money is money. What’s the difference if I borrow here or at the bank? I will pay it back. So what difference does it make? Don’t argue with me!”

(I press the red button under my desk to call security.)

Me: “A gentleman will be here in a second to work things out with you and your loan. Good day!”

Stupid Customer

Customer: “Could you tell me if this store is bisexual?”

Me: “Uh…”

Customer: “You know, like men’s clothes and women’s clothes together?”

Me: “Unisex? Yes, ma’am, the store is unisex.”

Customer: “Oh, good. Do you go both ways?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. I can help you with all your purchases.”

Stupid Customers

Stupid Customer: “Hey, I want a drink without any alcohol. What do you have?”

Me: “Well, can I get you a soda or something? Maybe some juice?”

Stupid Customer: “Can I get a virgin long island?”

Me: “You mean, you want an iced tea?”

Stupid Customer: “No, I want a virgin long island.”

Me: “But, a long island is mostly alcohol. I mean, there are five shots in it. Then some sour and some coke. Do you want a glass of sour and coke?”

Stupid Customer: “Is that alcoholic?”

(I give up and hand her an iced tea.)

Stupid Customer, turning to a friend: *excitedly* “I got a virgin long island!”