Stupid Tech Support

Tech Support: “Type ‘A’ and press Enter.”

Customer: “Didn’t work.”

Tech Support: “What did it do?”

Customer: “Nothing.”

Tech Support: “Hmmm…I’ll send you a new set of diskettes.”

The problem happened again.

Tech Support: “Hmmm…send me the diskettes back.”

They ran perfectly on my machine. I had her print her config.sys and autoexec.bat files, etc. No problems. I called her back.

Tech Support: “Type ‘A’ and press Enter.”

In the background, faintly, I heard these “tickety-tickety” sounds.

Tech Support: “What are you doing?”

It turned out she was typing, “Type A and press Enter.” The error message at the bottom of the screen apparently didn’t count as “doing anything.”

Stupid CoWorkers

I am an Analyst/Project Manager for a large bank in Southern California. My current project is the design of a Windows based Cash Management System for clients of the bank to use. Below is an actual encounter I had with an Executive Vice President (EVP). The success of my system (as well as my career) requires sign-off from this cerebrally challenged individual.

EVP: John, your system does not work. I can’t get in.

Me: What seems to be the problem?

EVP: When I try to enter the system, I get an error message.

Me: What does the message say?

EVP: Password Expired, please enter new password in field below.

Me: And what are you doing when you get this message?

EVP: I just press enter and it kicks me out.

Me: Did you enter a new password?

EVP: No, should I?

Me: Yes, that’s why it is asking you for one.

The EVP follows directions for the first time as I walk him through it.

EVP: Hey, now it works. What did you do to the system?

Me: Nothing. It asked you to put in a new password. Now that you entered your new password you were able to get in. It won’t ask you to do this again for another 90 days.

The next day.

EVP: John, your system does not work. I can’t get in.

Me: What message are you getting?

EVP: Password Invalid. I shouldn’t be getting this message. I know I put in the password correctly, I’ve been using the same one for three months! Why can’t you fix this system!

Me: Remember yesterday? You changed your password. The password you have been using for the last three months will not work. You have to use the new password you entered the other day.

After the EVP enters the new (correct) password.

EVP: Now it works! What did you do to the system?

Me: AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stupid Students

An instructor in the BASIC programming language was teaching his class how to write a simple program and execute it. When each student had all their program steps keyed in, he told the class to type R-U-N and enter. A lady in the back of the class said that it didn’t work. It turned out, when the instructor had said to type R-U-N, she had typed, “are you in.”

Stupid Tech Support

My boyfriend and I were sitting in my dorm room, when there was a power surge, causing my computer to reboot. Unfortunately, it never got very far and popped up an error message about a missing file. Panicking, I reboot again, and the same thing happened. Foolishly, I decided to call my computer’s tech support line, and after struggling with their automated system, I finally got through to someone.

Tech Support: “Thank you for calling tech support. How may I help you?”

Me: “Yeah, um, I just had a power surge in my dorm room, and my computer won’t reboot. It’s giving me the error message: [error message]”

Tech Support: “Have you tried rebooting?”

Me: “Yeah. Want me to try again?”

Tech Support: “Yes, go ahead. Tell me when Windows comes up.”

Me: “Ok…it’s giving me the same error message. It’s not even getting into Windows.”

Tech Support: “Ok, let’s try rebooting again, but this time, hold the button down for longer.”

Me: “Er…how much longer?”

Tech Support: “About five seconds.”

Me: “All right. Holding it down now…ok, it’s rebooting.”

Tech Support: “Good. Tell me when Windows comes up.”

Me: “Same error.”

Tech Support: “Ok. Let’s try a hard reboot. Turn your computer all the way off, then unplug the power cable.”

Me: (??) “All right, it’s out.”

Tech Support: “Ok, now hold down your power button and plug it back in. But don’t let go of the power button yet.”

Me: “Er. Ok. Tell me when to let go.”

Tech Support: “Ok, let go. Tell me when Windows comes up.”

Me: “Same error message. Windows isn’t coming up.”

Tech Support: “Ok, let’s try looking at your BIOS.”

Me: “All right.”

Tech Support: “Reboot your computer, and when it’s coming up, hit F1 as many times as you can.”

Me: “Can’t I just hit it once?”

Tech Support: “No, your computer should start beeping. I want to make sure it beeps.”

Me: “All right, it beeped. BIOS came up a while ago.”

Tech Support: “Ok, let’s walk through some things….”

He proceeded to do nothing more than confirm there was nothing wrong with my BIOS. He had me reboot again, and, of course, I got the same error message.

Tech Support: “Ok, let’s try bios one more time.”

Me: “All right.”

Tech Support: “Now, when it’s rebooting, I want you to hit the F1 key as many times as you can. It has to beep for this to work.”

Me: “I really don’t think my computer ‘beeping’ has anything to do with the problem.”

Tech Support: “I think I know a little more about computers than you do, ma’am.”

Me: “All right, fine, I’m hitting it. My computer is beeping.”

Tech Support: “I don’t believe you.”

Me: “…Excuse me?”

Tech Support: “I think you’re lying. I need you to hit it as many times as you can. This is very important.”

Finally, I gave up on the guy and made my boyfriend finish the call. About half a minute into the call, my boyfriend gets a really funny look on his face and ejects the floppy disk that was in the drive. He rebooted it, and it worked fine.

I suppose this doubles as a stupid user story too, but you’d think a tech support person would have checked for that early on, instead all the other dumb things he had me do.