Stupid Friends

Sometime in the late 1990s, I had a friend who was an Amiga fanatic and would spend hours telling us how they were the most powerful, versatile, flawless machines ever conceived by man.

I went with him when he bought his new A-4000 and some 3D modelling software. He told us how it will render true 3D in almost real time. I shrugged, watched him set the thing up, and load the software. He fed the thing a wireframe and gave it some textures and background elements. Six days later, the computer finished rendering the first frame.

He explained later that he discovered he only had 2 megs of RAM and had ordered 4. “Isn’t that still kind of pathetic?” I asked. “My girlfriend’s HP has 16.”

He said, “Well, Amigas use everything so much more efficiently, so it compares to a PC with gigabytes of RAM. It’s enough to hack your IBM through the power outlet.”

I gave up all sense of restraint and must have laughed for 20 minutes.

Stupid Salespeople

I was in our University Bookstore the other day looking at software when I overheard a salesman talking to a lady about an iMac.

Salesman: “It has a built in color monitor and comes with a mouse and keyboard–”

Customer: “Does this thing come with a battery backup system?”

Salesman: “No, but we have one over there for $99.00. Do you have problems with power outages?”

Customer: “No, but I don’t want to lose all of my Microsoft documents everytime I turn off the computer!”

Salesman: “You don’t need a battery backup for that. That’s why it has a 4 gigabyte hard drive.”

Customer: “A hard what?”

Salesman: “A hard drive. It’s like a whole bunch of floppy disks inside your computer that you can store documents on.”

Customer: “I want the battery backup.”

Salesman: “You don’t need it.”

Customer: “Why?”

Stupid Tech Support

I’ve done my time in tech support and have managed to live through some very weird calls, but this one was the best. An older lady bought a brand new desktop system with all the extras and had been using it for about a month when she got an error about an “illegal function.” She took apart the whole system down to the hard drive and hid it in different parts of her house, called us, and wanted to know how much longer she had until the police were going to come get her. Needless to say, we spent a lot of time on the phone putting the system back together.

Stupid Things Overheard

Teen girl: Have you ever wondered why there are no, like, sexy midgets?

Friend: No, but sometimes I wonder if you are slightly retarded.