Stupid CoWorkers

I am a middle-aged woman but nevertheless pursued my college education while raising a child and working temp when needed. I recently received my BA in an Asian language, but due to illness right after graduation and the sucky economy all I could get was a temp job at a bank. Due to the “confidential” nature of the position (an admin in commercial loans) it had to be filled by a regular bank employee and not a temp. Well, my stupidvisor, “Yvette”, encouraged me to apply, buttered me up at every opportunity by telling me she perceived me as an intelligent, competent woman and urged me to “take ownership” of the job, (which I did, I absolutely kicked ass and the whole department knew it,) put me through not one but two rigorous panel interviews and during the process, would tell me things to encourage my hope of being hired, like “it’s looking good” and “believe in yourself” (visualize conspiratorial wink here) she even coached me for the 2nd interview. This is a woman who goes to every smoke break with the office creep, a guy I’ll call “Bob” with a mullet and tattooed forearms, whose idea of “teasing” is to throw things at me and he whines if I put daily reports in his inbox instead of on his keyboard(what the f*ck does he have an inbox for then?) and if I have the audacity to leave my desk to use the restroom (“I called your desk twice and you weren’t there!”) It’s called voice mail, butthead. I almost asked him if he needed me to follow him to the men’s room and wipe his widdle bum for him. When Yvette was out sick I was subjected to daily abuse from Bob, and knew that since those two are practically doing the nasty I didn’t dare report him, I would just have to put up with his crap or risk not getting a badly needed full time job. But I am digressing from this toxic woman who is best described by every synonym for “vagina” you’ve ever heard. Because yesterday, she told me the hiring decision that she made me wait 3 weeks for: she did not choose me, (there were 2 or 3 other managers involved in the decision but somehow, her being lowest rank gave her the deciding vote) but an internal candidate, (of course,) a “stellar” young man and she went on at some length singing his praises and revealed that the decision had been made several days before I was told (obviously so she could get as much work out of me as possible.) Well since there had been so much buildup and she’d made me feel that my being hired would be a sure thing, I couldn’t conceal my disappointment. She then became thoroughly smarmy, assumed I would stay two more weeks to help her with a project but she understood if I chose not to stay two weeks beyond that to train Mr. Stellar. This all happened Friday afternoon, I said nothing but do not plan to return except to gather the rest of my personal belongings which I was too distraught to collect before I left for the day, and to gladly surrender the temp badge I was compelled to wear. I’m perfectly happy to let Bright Boy figure out everything on that desk that no one else but me knows how to do. That is, after he serves out his 2 week notice from his current position, in the meantime, lying sack of shit, douchebag Yvette can certainly handle it! (cackle)”

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Stupid CoWorkers

I worked as a secretary for a very insecure paralegal in a law firm. Everything I did and said as a personal affront and a personal attack. She was convinced that I was out to get her job — a thankless piece of crap job that no one in their right mind would want. She would bring me assignments and this is an actual conversation we had:

HER: Here are three files, I have tapes with each one and I want the one on top first and then the next one and then the next one.

ME: Okay, sure, I will get right on the first one and then do the next one and the next one.

HER: I SAID I wanted the first one, are you TRYING to get cute with me?

ME: No, I said I would do just what you asked me to do.

HER: Shoots me dirty look and tromps off. Calls her buddy the office manager and my “insubordination” goes in my file.

Her work was dreadful, her command of the English language terrifyingly inadequate, her grammar appalling and when she’d dictate, she couldn’t read words of more than about 2 syllables. She was trying to dictate summaries of depositions of people in medical malpractice cases and her mangling of the words was simply unbelievable. I was in the sad situation of “do I correct her or not?” There was no right answer. If I corrected her, then I was trying to act like I was better than her and she would quickly react. But if I didn’t correct her, her boss would react with scathing comments and she’d blame me.

Stupid School Excuses (from parents)

Misspellings have been left intact.

My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

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Please exkuce Lisa for being absent she was sick and I had her shot

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Dear school: please ecsc’s John being absent on Jan 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

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Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

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Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

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John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Stupid Laws

Stupid Laws in Cerritos California…

All dog “waste” must be removed from any yard within seven days.

Stupid Laws in Chico California…

One must obtain a permit from the city to throw hay in a cesspool.

It is illegal to own a green or smelly animal hide.

Bowling on the sidewalk is illegal.

Driving a herd of cattle down a street is against the law.

Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.

Stupid Laws in Dana Point California…

One may not use one’s own restroom if the window is open.