Office guy, returning from lunch: Did someone take a bite out of my chocolate bar while I was gone?
Office girl, sitting behind him: Your suspicions are correct. Yes, I ate your candy bar. Yes, I bought a new one, bit it down with my teeth and put it back in here. Go ahead and eat it though, it’s perfectly safe.
(I am a claims adjuster talking to a driver involved in a car accident. I am asking him questions to hear his side of the story of what happened.)
Me: “So there are 3 lanes on this highway? Were you in the left, middle, or right lane?”
Driver: “The right lane.”
(The police report indicates differently.)
Me: “Are you sure you were in the right lane?”
Driver: *thinking* “No, no, I was in the LEFT lane! You see, I’m left-handed, so everything is reversed for me.”
Coworker #1: So I was reading a study the other day that said performing fellatio can cause oral cancer.
Manager: No, that’s not right. Where’d you read that?
Coworker #1: On Facebook!
(lively discussion ensues)
Coworker #1: Oh! I guess I was thinking of HPV, not cancer.
Manager: Well, duh, you puttin’ something dirty in yo mouth, of course you gonna get sick. You gonna put that penny in your mouth?
Coworker #1: No! That’s gross!
Manager: Or that plastic there?
Coworker #1: No! I get it! I forgot it was getting HPV from a dude, not cancer!
(pause)
Coworker #2, chewing on a pen: Does this mean I’m gonna get cancer?
(entire office stares at her)
Coworker #2: From the pen!
Customer: “I’d like 50 Christmas stamps, please.”
Me: “What denomination?”
Customer: *befuddled* “Oh, my, has it come to this? Um, give me 22 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 6 of the Baptists.”