(Sometimes I get very bored at work and decide to have fun with customers.)
Me: “Hi, what can I do for you today?”
Customer: “My computer isn’t working at all. It seems that something is wrong with it.”
Me: “Okay, let me see what I can do…”
(I place my hands on the computer and in my best imitation of a televangelist.)
Me: “IT IS HEALED! PRAISE THE LORD!”
Customer: “Oh my God, really? Are you serious?! Thank you!”
Me: “No, no I’m not.”
Customer: *completely baffled*
Me: “I hate my life.”
(I’m a liquor store owner. A teenager grabs a couple of beer bottles and proceeds to the counter to purchase the beer.)
Me: “May I see your ID?”
Customer: “What?”
Me: “I don’t sell alcohol to people without IDs.”
Customer: “But I’m 18! I’m allowed to buy beer!”
Me: “Sorry, but its the law. No ID, no beer.”
Customer: “F*** you! F*** this government! Can’t a man just buy and enjoy their beer anymore?”
Me: “Look, all you have to do is flash your ID and you can buy all the beer you want. Now, can I see your d*** ID?”
Customer: “No, you listen to me! I didn’t drive all the way here to be treated like this. Back then, trust was enough to keep things rolling, but now everyone thinks everyone is a liar! This country is a F***ING dump! Do I look 12 to you? I’m telling you, I’m 18 and I’m allowed to buy beer, and…” *rants on and on*
Me: “Get out of my store.”
Customer: “Excuse me?!”
Me: “Oh I’m sorry. Where are my manners? Get the F*** out of my store!”
Customer: “I’m never coming here again!”
Me: “Now you’re getting the idea!”
my boss is a bitch, bitch bitch. she is into the 8th week of ignoring me now, only speaking if it is vital and then to put me down or make me look like a t**t. she bullies people over and over and if they complain she lies and twists and makes it all their fault. she has driven at least 8 people away from the job, as they were unable to work with the cow and you wouldn’t mind if she could do her job , but no, she muddles through it and then blames yours truly when things go wrong. i am not an unreasonable woman and i tried to talk to her about this but she blamed it on other people, and said they had told her stuff about me . get a fu***** grip woman, you are the manager, why are you listening to gossip? this woman is a born liar. she could win the gold medal for it if it were an Olympic sport, and when you catchy her out she lies again to cover the first lie. i wish she would leave, or get long term sick or win the lottery and retire. she is a dried up old spinster with no life but the workplace and she is DRIVING ME NUTS. thank you for listening . goodnight. yes i feel better for that.
Me: “What can I get you to drink, sir?”
Hospital patient: “Coffee.”
Me: “Well, it looks like you’re on a Cardiac diet, which means you can’t have caffeine.
Hospital patient: “You asked me what I wanted, and I want coffee.”
Me: “I’m sorry sir, I can’t give it to you.”
Hospital patient: “This is ridiculous! I’ve been drinking coffee every morning for the last sixty years. I want my coffee!”
Me: “Sir. You are on a CARDIAC diet. That means that you can’t have caffeine, or extra sodium, or fat. It could make your condition worse.”
Hospital patient: *tries to pull a fast one* “My doctor told me I could have it.”
Me: “Well, your doctor needs to put it into our computer, otherwise I could lose my job.”
Hospital patient: “MY DOCTOR SAID I COULD HAVE IT!”
Me: “Sir, I know you’re lying. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be on this diet.”
Hospital patient: “GIVE ME THE F***ING COFFEE!”
Me: *loses patience* “DO YOU WANT THE COFFEE OR DO YOU WANT TO LIVE?!”
Hospital patient: *sheepishly* “Can I have apple juice?”