(I work in email and chat tech support, so one day, an email comes in.)
“Hello Miss Sir,
Please send me new one. My wife’s has defected.
Boris”
——-
“Dear Boris,
Thanks for contacting us. If your wife’s mp3 player is defective, we will be happy to replace it. Please respond with more details on the problem. If you have any further questions, please don’t hesitate to contact us.”
Sincerely,
[Me]”
——–
“Hello Miss,
Yes, send new one. My wife’s has defecated.”
(I’m a liquor store owner. A teenager grabs a couple of beer bottles and proceeds to the counter to purchase the beer.)
Me: “May I see your ID?”
Customer: “What?”
Me: “I don’t sell alcohol to people without IDs.”
Customer: “But I’m 18! I’m allowed to buy beer!”
Me: “Sorry, but its the law. No ID, no beer.”
Customer: “F*** you! F*** this government! Can’t a man just buy and enjoy their beer anymore?”
Me: “Look, all you have to do is flash your ID and you can buy all the beer you want. Now, can I see your d*** ID?”
Customer: “No, you listen to me! I didn’t drive all the way here to be treated like this. Back then, trust was enough to keep things rolling, but now everyone thinks everyone is a liar! This country is a F***ING dump! Do I look 12 to you? I’m telling you, I’m 18 and I’m allowed to buy beer, and…” *rants on and on*
Me: “Get out of my store.”
Customer: “Excuse me?!”
Me: “Oh I’m sorry. Where are my manners? Get the F*** out of my store!”
Customer: “I’m never coming here again!”
Me: “Now you’re getting the idea!”
Me: “What can I get you to drink, sir?”
Hospital patient: “Coffee.”
Me: “Well, it looks like you’re on a Cardiac diet, which means you can’t have caffeine.
Hospital patient: “You asked me what I wanted, and I want coffee.”
Me: “I’m sorry sir, I can’t give it to you.”
Hospital patient: “This is ridiculous! I’ve been drinking coffee every morning for the last sixty years. I want my coffee!”
Me: “Sir. You are on a CARDIAC diet. That means that you can’t have caffeine, or extra sodium, or fat. It could make your condition worse.”
Hospital patient: *tries to pull a fast one* “My doctor told me I could have it.”
Me: “Well, your doctor needs to put it into our computer, otherwise I could lose my job.”
Hospital patient: “MY DOCTOR SAID I COULD HAVE IT!”
Me: “Sir, I know you’re lying. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be on this diet.”
Hospital patient: “GIVE ME THE F***ING COFFEE!”
Me: *loses patience* “DO YOU WANT THE COFFEE OR DO YOU WANT TO LIVE?!”
Hospital patient: *sheepishly* “Can I have apple juice?”
Customer: ”How much longer is your department open today?”
Me: “Two hours.”
Customer: “Oh… uhm, you on Mountain Time, then?”
Me: “No, we’re on Pacific.”
Customer: “I’m in Mountain time, so in reality, you’re only there another hour.”
Me: “Sir, seriously, we’re here another two hours regardless of what time zone you’re in.”