Stupid Customers

(I work at an asthma and allergy specialists office, and a mom called me 5 minutes to 5:00 pm on a Friday. We were getting ready to close for the weekend.)

Me: “Thank you for calling ****, my name is ****, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I need to bring my son in…”

Me: “Ma’am, we close our office at 5:00pm, and we don’t work weekends. Would you like to talk to the nurse?”

Caller: “No, he needs to see a doctor right now!”

Me: “Well, we have our doctor on call – you’re more than welcome to call him. He can answer your questions and help with anything–”

Caller: “Do you speak English?! I just told you that my son needs to be seen right now! He’s had this cough since Monday, and he hasn’t been breathing right since he got it!”

Me: “Well, it seems that if he’s been that bad since Monday, you would have brought him in then to be seen, or even Tuesday, and not wait until the weekend to call…”

Caller: “I was really busy this week! I had an appointment at the salon almost every day after work to get my hair done, my nails…. I just didn’t have time! I have time today because the stylist just called me; she had an emergency and had to re-schedule.”

Me: “Ma’am, right now our office is closed. Please take your son to the emergency room, as it seems like he needs to be seen immediately to have that cough taken care of.”

Caller: *very agitated* “If I take him to the ER, that’s a $100.00 copay! That would eat into my salon funds!”

Me: “…”

Stupid Customers

(A guy comes in looking a bit haggard.)

Me: “Hi sir! Can I help you find something?”

Customer: “Let’s move to the back of the store.”

(He takes my arm and we walk to one of the last shelves of the store.)

Customer: “I need a book on immortality.”

Me: “All right – we’ve got science fiction over here…”

Customer: “No, I need to research immortality. I’m immortal. See this scar on my neck? A guy cut me a couple days ago and it’s almost healed. I’m immortal.”

(I stare at the large cut on his neck that is laced together with stitches).

Me: “Um, I’m not sure if we have any books like that.”

Customer: “Well, can you buy me a sword from the store next door?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I’m not allowed to do that.”

Customer: “I promise I’ll pay you back. I’ll give you my ID so you can track me down later and everything. I need a sword.”

Me: “Really, I could get fired for that.”

(The customer looks up and then starts sniffing the air.)

Customer: “They’re coming. I have to go!” *runs out of the store*

“““““

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Stupid Customers

Tech Support: “What version of Windows are you running?”

Customer: “I got the computer in 2003, so I think it’s a Windows 2003. Or maybe it’s a Windows 2004? I got it late in the year.”

Tech Support: “Um, ok.”

Customer: “Is that wrong?”

Tech Support: “No, no, that sounds about right. Tell me, would you know what service pack you have for that?”

Customer: “Well, when I got to the register, the young man who rang me up said was about the 5th person to buy it. So it might be service pack 5.”

Stupid Customers

(A customer stomps into my store and starts yelling at me.)

Customer: “I had an allergic reaction to a Vanilla Ice Blended from the store in [other location] and the manager there said I could have whatever I wanted here for free.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear about that. Do you have a receipt?”

Customer: “I had to drive out to Cedars-Sinai last night and I was there until four in the morning! The people at [other location] said I could have anything I wanted! I had an allergic reaction!”

Me: “Well, then… what would you like?”

Customer: “I want two Vanilla Ice Blendeds…”