Stupid Customers

September 19, 2009

(I hear glass shattering from the back of the store, near the wine department. As I head to the source of the sound, I hear a second shatter and see a small child in a cart reaching for a third wine bottle to pull off the rack. There’s no sign of a parent around.)

Me: “Stop that!”

(I grab the cart and pull it away from the wine racks. Suddenly, the absent parent shows up.)

Customer: “How dare you touch that cart! My child is in that cart! How dare you touch my child without my permission!”

Me: “Ma’am, your child has broken 2 bottles of wine and was about to break a third bottle. I just saved you another $12.99.”

Customer: “Saved me? You’re the one trying to kidnap my child!”

Me: “Ma’am, you already owe me $26 for what happened when you were not watching your own child.”

Customer: “If you’re going to charge me money for bringing my child into the store, I should just let you take him!”

Stupid Customers
,

Stupid Customers

September 10, 2009

(I work as a security officer in a mall. Every now and then, we’ll take shoppers to their cars in our “mall mobiles” as a public service.)

Me: “Hi, how are y’all doing?”

Husband: “Doing good. We just parked over there. We drive a black Lexus.”

(I’m unable to find the car in the parking lot the couple thought they parked in. I tell the other officers to help search for it in the other lots and garages.)

Wife: “What if the car got stolen?”

Me: “Well, you could file a report with us and the police.”

Wife: “That’s all? But what about our car?”

Me: “That’s all we can do, ma’am.”

(After a little over an hour, we finally declare the vehicle stolen.)

Wife: “Our car got stolen! How could you let this happen? What’s the point of you guys, anyway? You’re completely useless! We spend our money here so you guys can get paid, and you can’t even keep our cars from getting stolen! So useless!”

(They file a report with us as well as the city police, and they leave for home via taxi. After about an hour, the lieutenant comes over the radio.

Lieutenant: “You can forget about that report. That couple got home and found their car in their garage. They forgot they drove a different car tonight.”

Stupid Customers

Stupid Customers

September 7, 2009

Me: “Hello, Mrs. ***, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I’m very upset because you have my dog’s name before my last name here on this check-in sheet!”

Me: “Well, hat’s because we print out the pet’s first name and your last name so we know who the pet belongs to.”

Customer: “But this is horrible! It is though you are saying I am married to my dog! I’m not into bestiality!”

Me: “No, it is more that we are trying to say that you are like the pet’s parent.”

Customer: “You are saying that I gave birth to a dog?!”

Me:” No…I’m really sorry, but the computer prints out the pet’s first and the owner’s last name. It is part of the system and I cannot change it.”

Customer: “It’s the computer’s fault?”

Me: “Yes. I am so sorry, but I cannot change the program. It does this for every pet.”

Customer: “Then black out the name on the paper so nobody thinks I am married to him!”

Stupid Customers
,

Stupid Customers

August 28, 2009

(Note: I’m selling t-shirts at Comic Con in San Diego. Two men are dressed as Star Wars characters come to my booth.)

Jedi #1: “Man, these shirts are all great. I don’t know how I’ll pick.”

Coworker: “Well, they are two for $35, so you can get any two you like.”

Jedi #2: “Is there any deal for three?”

Coworker: “Nope, just by twos.”

(Suddenly, the second Jedi activates his light-up light saber and speaks in an angry, menacing tone.)

Jedi #2: “How about now?!”

Stupid Customers
,