Coworker said: I just ate a pen cap thinking it was a tootsie roll. Always look before putting stuff in your mouth.

Coworker #1 in elevator: You know Dave*, in credit? I think he’s kind of cute.

Coworker #2: Yeah. But I think he’s gay.

Coworker #1: Uh-huh, I thought maybe.

Coworker #3:, freezingly: Dave is my husband.

Female coworker #1: Is that a cucumber you just pulled out of your desk?

Female coworker #2: Yeah, Connie gave it to me yesterday. So watch out: today is “beat people with a cucumber day”, so if you piss me off I’m gonna hit you with this cucumber.

Female coworker #1: Wait… Why did Connie give you a cucumber?

Female coworker #2: She had it at her desk yesterday and was having some fun with it. Then she got tired of it, so she gave it to me.