“You know that anti-virus program they installed on my computer? It kept popping up some sort of message about a trojan or something while I was surfing on the internet. It doesn’t seem to be doing anything about it because I kept getting the message like every other day, so I uninstalled the antivirus program. And now I don’t get that message any more.”
Me: Ma’am, do you have a firewall?
Clueless caller: Yes, the chimney is to my left.
Me: No, no.. On your computer, is there a firewall?
Clueless: The computer is against a wall..
Me: Um. Oh, I know, do you have McAfee?
Clueless caller, excitedly: Yeah, yeah, I have that!
Me: Okay. Well, that’s a firewall.
Coworker said: In the winter time when my computer is running slow, I have to let it warm up first
before I use it”
Me: “How can I help you today?”
Patient: “Um. I think I have an STI.”
Me: “Okay. What symptoms do you have that makes you think that?”
Patient: “Well, I don’t really know. My computer told me to be here.”
Me: “Oh, did you do a self-analysis online?”
Patient: “No. I’m not sure. I’m here, I need to be here!”
Me: “Exactly what did your computer tell you?”
Patient: “Don’t judge me! Stop it! I need to be here!”
Me: “I can assure you that I am not judging you. Can you explain to me exactly what happened before you came here?”
Patient: “Well, I was looking at some porn last night online and this morning I turned my computer on and it told me I have a virus!”
Patient: “Stop judging me!”