Welcome to Stupid CoWorkers! This website is to vent and laugh about the dumb people we have to work with everyday at our jobs. So, come back daily for a good chuckle. Also, please submit your own stories about the employers, employees, and co-workers at your job!!
04/21/09: Stupid Students
In what seems more and more like another life, some 15 years ago, I was an assistant in a computer lab belonging to the computer science department of my university. The lab consisted of a bunch of 286 IBM PS/2s with only a 3.5" floppy drive -- they had to boot with an operating system disk and then put in the program disk, and so forth.
One day a student was having problems booting up the computer. I went to see what was happening, because she was becoming increasingly vocal about the quality of the hardware and the incompetence of the people (me) who were supposed to maintain it. I found that she was trying to boot off a floppy with no operating system. So I tried to tell her that she needed a DOS diskette to boot the computer.
* Her: "Why?"
* Me: "Well, because without the operating system the computer just cannot work."
* Her: "But I don't need the operating system."
* Me: "I assure you, you do."
* Her: "No, you don't understand, I've already passed the operating systems exam. I'm preparing the coursework for simulation theory, so I don't need an operating system. I already passed. Really."
* Me: "I'm not talking about the exam. I am talking about the operating system for the computer."
* Her: "Why on earth should I want to put an operating system on the computer when I have already passed the exam? I need to study simulation theory, not operating systems! The arrogance! Now you want to tell me what I should study? You don't think I passed the exam on my merits alone? Huh?"
She stormed out of the lab and filed a formal complaint with the department's secretary. The worst part was that I got reprimanded, because, apparently, the senior management didn't know any better than she did. Yes, she graduated a couple of years later.
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One day a student was having problems booting up the computer. I went to see what was happening, because she was becoming increasingly vocal about the quality of the hardware and the incompetence of the people (me) who were supposed to maintain it. I found that she was trying to boot off a floppy with no operating system. So I tried to tell her that she needed a DOS diskette to boot the computer.
* Her: "Why?"
* Me: "Well, because without the operating system the computer just cannot work."
* Her: "But I don't need the operating system."
* Me: "I assure you, you do."
* Her: "No, you don't understand, I've already passed the operating systems exam. I'm preparing the coursework for simulation theory, so I don't need an operating system. I already passed. Really."
* Me: "I'm not talking about the exam. I am talking about the operating system for the computer."
* Her: "Why on earth should I want to put an operating system on the computer when I have already passed the exam? I need to study simulation theory, not operating systems! The arrogance! Now you want to tell me what I should study? You don't think I passed the exam on my merits alone? Huh?"
She stormed out of the lab and filed a formal complaint with the department's secretary. The worst part was that I got reprimanded, because, apparently, the senior management didn't know any better than she did. Yes, she graduated a couple of years later.
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06/08/07: Stupid Students
Stupid School Excuses (from parents)
Misspellings have been left intact.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because don't know what size she wear.
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Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday we forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday we thought it was Sunday.
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My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.
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Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
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Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
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Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
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Please excuse Brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.
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Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat ; her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either , sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
.................
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Misspellings have been left intact.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because don't know what size she wear.
--------------------
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday we forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday we thought it was Sunday.
--------------------
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.
--------------------
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
--------------------
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
--------------------
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
--------------------
Please excuse Brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.
--------------------
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat ; her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either , sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
.................
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05/18/07: Stupid School Excuses (from parents)
Misspellings have been left intact.
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
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Please exkuce Lisa for being absent she was sick and I had her shot
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Dear school: please ecsc's John being absent on Jan 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
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Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
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Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
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John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
.................
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My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
--------------------
Please exkuce Lisa for being absent she was sick and I had her shot
--------------------
Dear school: please ecsc's John being absent on Jan 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
--------------------
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
--------------------
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
--------------------
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
.................
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01/08/07: Stupid Students
Bad Metaphors from Stupid Student Essays...
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
She was as easy as the "TV Guide" crossword.
Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
Every minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
The horizon swallowed the setting sun like a dog sucking an egg, but not quite.
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He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
She was as easy as the "TV Guide" crossword.
Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
Every minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
The horizon swallowed the setting sun like a dog sucking an egg, but not quite.
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01/06/07: Stupid Students
Bad Metaphors from Stupid Student Essays...
It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
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It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
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01/04/07: Stupid Students
Bad Metaphors from Stupid Student Essays...
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
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The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
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01/02/07: Stupid Students
Bad Metaphors from Stupid Student Essays...
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of "Jeopardy!"
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They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of "Jeopardy!"
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12/26/06: Stupid Students
Bad Metaphors from Stupid Student Essays...
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr. Pepper can.
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Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr. Pepper can.
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12/24/06: Stupid Students
Bad Metaphors from Stupid Student Essays...
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
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Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
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11/04/06: Stupid Students
My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot.
He asked if she needed help and she replied, "It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"
...........
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He asked if she needed help and she replied, "It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"
...........
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